End of week 3 - dog city USA

End of week 3

I believe I may have rocked it today for the following reasons:

I was actually able to do some push ups

I didn’t sit out of any of the drills

I was still in last place in MOST of the drills but not ALL of them.

Our trainer had us do an obstacle course on a hill. I actually have nightmares about not being able to walk up or down a hill because it is so steep. In these nightmares, I am clawing my way up and I just keep sliding back down (crazy town) The hill today came right out of one of those nightmares. To add to the insanity of the drill, people decided it would be a great time to walk their dogs right through our drill. At one point, I was running down the hill, aka shuffling at high speed making sure I didn't fall and break my face, I look ahead and there is a dog running at such a rate that we were going to collide head on if I couldn't get a handle on my shuffle speed. The dog looked about as scared as I did and as I put the breaks on my running he/she/it started running and we just missed each other.



Heart attack ensues.



As we were doing squats, another dog ran up to me and starting sniffing my backside. I asked him if he would let me ride him back up the hill, he politely declined.


BONUS MATERIAL!
As a special treat for today's blog entry, guest artist, Taylor Newhall of Bastards Inc. provided us with some beautiful artistic interpretations of what went on in our boot camp session today.


Enjoy!

I will call today “no way, knee-how”

I think I’m over boot camp. Every morning I get up I seriously consider any other obnoxious task
-I really need to work on cleaning the tile in my bathroom
-Color coordinating my underwear might be nice
-Maybe my plants need new soil
-Those boxes really look like they need to be broken down
-I need AAA road side assistance

Urgh….the tiredness. We had trainer 2 which was nice. You can tell she has genuine enthusiasm and passion for her work. Unfortunately, she is outtie 5. I guess on vacation for our last week. We had our replacement trainer incongnito in our class today. I wondered if she had been with us on the first day since I didn’t recognize her. You know who never came back? Velour Suit! She gave it the good ol’ college try but no dice.

So im tired and there is no way around it. I haven’t posted because im tired and frankly forming sentences and deep thoughts are bit of a stretch (no pun intended). My birthday celebration was on Sunday, yay! Though, again, we missed boot camp on Monday because I drank 12859726498579845 beers. Its my birthday and ill do what I want.

I came back from boot camp yesterday and the there were tire bits in my underwear. It was weird and they were all over my bathroom floor. Now I have to sweep, dammit. I don’t think they are toxic they were close to my hoo ha and I don’t feel weird.

I hurt my knee somehow. I know exactly when. We were stretching after boot camp on Tuesday and as I turned to get up my knee felt weird, it bothered me for a bit but then it went a way. Then on Wednesday boot camp I decided I was Jackie Joyner Kersey and sprinted to the beginning of the Indian run like I was running from the cops. I powered through, but today not so much. At the end of every challenge and even sucked at the modified exercises. Knee injury definitely hurting morale. Instructor said I should go if that bad….I wasn’t looking for her pity so I stayed and pushed through. I took 6 ibuprofens this morning.

Side of the hill
We did an obstacle course on the side of a hill. Bear crawls uphill, lunges midway, jog uphill, reverse pushups at the top, fast sprint to the bottom, 15 sqats. It was fun and I liked the momentum of the tasks. If I was dealing with my bum knee running downhill would have been so cool. My knee is a buzz kill.

Janine is drawing a picture of boot camp, im sure it will be drawn to scale.

The tiredness set in once I got home and crashed on the bed. I woke up super late to work and I am now falling asleep at my desk. I have been od’ing on caffeine lately so im taking it easy.

i wish a snuggie was work appropriate.

Week 3? day 3?

I don't even know what day we are on. I dropped out of the first drill 5 minutes in because I felt like blood was going to start spewing from my throat. We all had to jog in a line around the track and the last person had to sprint pass everyone to become the first in line and everyone was supposed to have a turn twice. After it was my turn to sprint and pass, I dropped out. I don't even feel embarrassed anymore and I am not sure that is a good thing. I hate not doing well at things let alone being okay with being THE WORST in a class. Embarrassment was my ultimate motivator, now I just don't care.

I have had some serious mixed emotions about boot camp. I began with dread, then excitement, then back to dread, then enjoyment then ultimately back to dread. So far, it has definitely been an experience. I say I would like to do it again, but I am not too sure. It has affected my lifestyle in the craziest way. I feel like I am missing out on things because I need to be in bed by 9PM in order to really give boot camp my all and then be able to focus at work and not screw things up. I think after boot camp is over, I will either go back to working out AFTER work or working out at 6:30AM. I don't know, we shall see.


We did a lot of working out on the ground today which means grinding your flesh into the bits of the ground up tires that cover the field. They do not feel like rubber, they feel like shards of glass that are slowly burrowing into your skin. Every time I press my body into them I think how they can't be too healthy to be around. I also thought about that bloody band aid I had to dodge during bear crawls today and it lying on those porous pieces of rubber. I wonder if they possibly have a bunch of nasty bacteria on them (and if you know me well, you know that I am not the neatest person, so this type of thing doesn't normally bother me.)

After a quick search, I find a website discussing the potential risks (from Allergic Responses to Cancer) of rolling around on these rubbery bits o' death Artificial Turf: Exposures to Ground Up Rubber Tires

I wonder if I can sue the boot camp, win a ton of money and use it for liposuction and cosmetic surgery...

we are fighting the good fight, janine.....

Return to Bootcamp

My theme song for today's bootcamp

Week two- Wed

Best Friends!!!!!!!

Today was pretty much workout with a partner day. Guess who my partner was!? That's right, my platonic wife Evelyn. I bet she wishes she had a better partner...at one point she commented on my performance today saying it was, "sub par"...I know right!?

I thought wearing my Gibbons School 1992 lip synch shirt (what what!) would give me the inspiration I needed today. Instead, it just made me look like an out of shape person in an, "lookatmycoolretroshirtthatisn'tfakevintage" shirt.



"CCCHHHHIIIIICAAAAGGGGOOOOOOO"- Evelyn

We teamed up and one of us had to follow the other and mirror everything they did. Evelyn was the leader and I had to chase her around the field doing high knees, sprints, butt kicks and grapevines. The second we started doing grapevines, Evelyn starts singing/screaming,"CCCHHHHIIIIICAAAAGGGGOOOOOOO." I laugh so hard I stop what I am doing, the trainer glares at us then busts out laughing. Evelyn says,"I always feel like I am performing when we do this, I can't help it." Amazing.

Throughout this drill, I kept repeating, "I hate you." over and over again. This was directed at Evelyn not because she was doing anything wrong, but because she was merely alive and making me move.

"Bessst frieeends!!!"- Evelyn
We had lay across from each other with our feet touching and do sit ups. On our way up, we had to give a double high five to each other. Of course, we act like children and laugh everytime we come up to touch hands. Evelyn yells, "Bessst frieeends!!!!" everytime we sit up. More dirty looks from trainer.

"We have never been this close before."-Evelyn

This drill consisted of Evelyn on the ground and me standing. While she lowers to do a push up, I had to jump over her body. Then she raises into a downward dog position and I had to army crawl under her body. Then we switched places. Evelyn rocked it and I could barely move. This drill also produced the following quote from Evelyn to me. "You would never make it in the army."


"Essskimooo RAAAAAAAANDY"-Janine

I have been on an Aziz Ansari kick lately and througout the session today I would start yelling, "Essskimmmmoooo RAAAAAAANDY" out of nowhere. I can't explain why.


"Kill me"-Janine
I said this to myself. No one heard me say this. No one heard me say this because we were running up a hill and I was so far behind I could not see a human for miles.

Week two

This video sums up how I felt about my performance at bootcamp today.


Janine at Bootcamp

Some other stuff came up and we didn't make it to boot camp today

www.nataliedee.com

End of Week one

I apologize to our two loyal followers that I did not update yesterday, for it was a hectic day.

Our last session of week one was today and I being the complete moron that I am, did not go to bed until 12:30AM. I woke up at 5:20, got dressed and sat outside and waited for Evelyn. I must have looked completely insane...I was sitting on my front steps, eating the tiniest bites of a pop tart with the most horrible look on my face. Once again, I prayed that Ev was not going to pick me up but of course, I looked up and there was her little red mercedes.

I was having some internal pain today and of course it was our hardest session yet. I swear to god that our trainer was not loved enough as a child, she was brutal. She had us doing some insane drills and I truly believe was withholding water on us on purpose. I was struggling big time and at one point everyone was at the respective "stations" doing their drills and I am pretty sure I was laying down on the field staring at the sky praying for a piece of space trash to fall out and impale my face.



I pushed through and somehow made it and I only consumed three bugs today! Ev and I left, I got home and called into work for a half day and went back to bed.(fail)



Everyday tasks have become ridiculously difficult for me. Running to catch a train because you are 4 hours late for work blows. I don't think I will be doing my hair for the next month because I can not lift my arms. Even, washing my hair, I have taken to putting the shampoo/conditioner into my hand and rubbing my head into my hand. Leaning over to answer the phone sucks, bending over is completely out of the question. If I drop something, I just kick it around until I don't have to look at it anymore. Walking down stairs has become awful as well, I hate them.



I would also like to give a shout out to my girl Ev. She has been kicking total ass, she looks amazing as well. I don't know how she can see through all the sweat on her face. I imagine that burns...

We have been throwing around the idea of incorporating videos to our blog. I apologize ahead of time for the way I look and I will do my best to keep the profanity to a minimum.

week one, done

First, before i say anything I would like to say that we are 25% done with boot camp. We were on time and did the best that we could.

Second, i would like to say that my platonic wife aka Janine is an f-ing rock star. I don't know how she does it, but she does. Round of applause, please.

Trainer 2....you deceived us. Your smile and cheerfulness led us to believe that you generally cared and weren't going to push us to the point of death. We were wrong. You put your boot camp hat on today and counter that with the swarms of insects and sunshine, it made for a crap-your-pants workout. (no one crapped their pants, but if it was socially acceptable im sure some of the folks in the class would have)

We started with our run (still hate running) and then moved up to step ups on some park benches. I may or may not have acted like i may or may not have known what was going on, in order to skip this one. Next to Torture 101. It was a set up like a circuit, with four cones in each corner. The objective was to do 15-20 reps of a designated exercised then another moving exercise to get to the next cone.

FML

It is not fair, no, scratch that, it is not humane to make people do that many exercises. Squats, lunges, side planks, mountain climbers (pretty name for an ugly thing), speed skaters... I am feeling muscles in my body I don't think i am supposed to feel. My elbows! Are they even supposed to hurt?

A good friend said that I need to eat healthy and it will help with my workouts. Hello???? I only work out hard core so I can do whatever I want. Otherwise, what's the point? jk jk

i am sure Janine will be putting up a post soon. It might come across Stephen Hawking style since I highly doubt she will be able to use any muscle groups for a bit.

(don't get your panties in a bunch over the Stephen Hawking thing, He is on wife number 2 i am sure he is doing something right in life, Heyo!)

Real time, re-enactment of janine and i during boot camp

Evelyn vs. Crab walks, Evelyn vs. Laundry, Evelyn vs. Fruit flies....

Today, I am tired. Exhausted would be a better word. I went spinning last night, to train and I did alright. My legs were a bit tired but I powered through. I feel BA (badass) when in the spin studio alone! I woke up and I thought it was Thursday, it was not. I think I really hate boot camp. We did a lot of running today, a lot, a lot. I think I need a lung transplant.

Crab Walks

We had trainer 1 today. I can't decide whether I like her or really, really, really hate her. I'm sure she is a fine person but I feel like she picks out every exercise I'm bad at. Didn't finish the crab walk or the inverse of it. I was last in both or didn't even finish. I felt the pity looks. I'm not happy about this. And let’s talk about how shredded Janine and I’s hands are….holy crap. Yup we are gonna be the a-holes with gloves and if anyone has anything to say about it they can suck on our big….toe! all I kept on chanting was “we are gonna look so good…we are gonna look so good…beach body…beach body” I think im setting myself up with some empty promises.

I read in the Metro today that there is a coyote loose…I hope it comes and bites me in the leg so I don’t have to boot camp anymore.

Laundry
Fact: I have no washer and dryer at my place
Fact: I dislike doing laundry
Fact: I'm out of clothes
No one tells u when u workout your laundry triples, especially in boot camp when half the time you have a mud butt or rocks in your shoes. So I'm out of sports bras and dangerously close to no underwear (underwear doesn't include thongs, they are for special occasions and 10th dates) so I have been doing what any person who takes on too much would do...showering and laundering. Sorry for the bras on the clothesline, neighbors, but it's much better than having chaffed nipples because I wore a frilly bra to boot camp (half true story).

Fruit Flies

12 years ago I bought a jicama to eat, but I forgot about it. I put it in our fruit bowl and through the power of nature it became a habitat for fruit flies. My roommate Amanda mentioned that it was looking kind of gross so she dumped it. 24-fucking-hours later, the garbage is infested with said colony of fruit flies. FML. I’m a garbage nazi, if its garbage day all the trash needs to go, I don’t care if the bags not full there might be some sort of apocalypse and then we’ll be stuck with a house full of garbage like the hoarders…(clearly, there is much more to this). Anyway as I pull up the bag, I am attacked by 5 million fruit flies. I killed ten of them. I find a glass to do the vinegar thing that traps the flies, but I can’t decide whether the flies like red wine vinegar or apple cider. I used both. I hope it works.

I think it's physically impossible to be on time for work anymore.

I think I sat next to J-Lo’s stripper cousin on the train. I hate her because she is wearing heels and full makeup at 8:30am. Bitch.

A lot of stuff happened before 9am today.

Day 2 Vomit City USA

I woke up this morning at 5AM, had a hard time getting out of bed due to EVERY FUCKIN MUSCLE IN MY BODY ACHING. I went into the bathroom to change back into my dirty clothes from yesterday, splashed cold water on my face and promptly puked in the toilet.

After vomiting, I got back into bed (with my dirty bootcamp clothes) stared at the clock and prayed that Evelyn slept through her alarm and we wouldn't be going today. But no, she called and not only was she awake but she was OUTSIDE WAITING FOR ME at five fuckin' thirty AM. I grab a granola bar and crawl out to her car. I did my best keep the granola bar down and stuck my head out the window all the way there to combat the sweats and shaking.

We arrived there before our trainer and helped her set up. I was all about kissing her ass because I figured she wouldn't kill me later if she remembered my kindness. I ended up sucking A LOT less than yesterday and even didn't finish last in a few of the drills! Nothing boosts your confidence like seeing someone else fail! I actually found parts of it kind of fun. Other than the bruising, the push ups on the wet ground and the bugs swarming my face and eating my arms.


Overall, I feel a lot better about bootcamp today. I wouldn't say my attitude is now positive its just a more positive form of negative. (I am a realist, damn it!) I had two goals for the day and they were to not puke or pass out in public and I definitely succeeded.


Now, hours later, I am sitting at my desk praying the phone doesn't ring. Or that I have to get up and do anything at all because every single movement I make hurts. I am extremely irritable (more than normal) I also thought excerise made your brain sharp, so far, it is having the opposite effect on me, I feel like I have shit for brains.

big high five to janine, she rocked it today!

Newbies and Junkies

I went on a 6.75 mi bike ride yesterday in addition to the boot camp. Glutton for punishment, huh? Ha ha Actually training for the Pan Mass Challenge in august 7-8, 164 miles, 2-day. I've been lagging on the biking front and I needed to get something in, the rain quickly put a kybosh on that. I felt good by that point, I was deathly tired after work (missed my stop on the train!) but soon that second wind kicked in.

I forgot to take some IB's before bed....bad, bad, bad idea

At 3am-ish it felt like someone had taken hot briquettes off of a grill and placed the on my lower abdomen...AAAAHHHH so uncomfortable those "abs", are these things even worth it?

I woke up this morning and I felt awake but my legs were tired and I still had briquettes tummy.

We got to meet number 2 of the instructors for our class. She was lost and parked near us. It was like talking to the enemy, I was leery of her early-morning cheerfulness. She asked us to set up cones for our drills, I felt like I was made to dig my own grave (can we say dramatic?)

Turns out we were super early 5:45am, I put my mind on standby, also didn't shave my legs (little spider legs were poking out of everywhere, I got to work on that or not wear shorts)

We did more of my least favorites...mountain climbers. What asshole invented these? Probably the same one who made push ups, pull ups and every other shitty exercise known to man and the bra.

I kid, I kid, they aren't shitty they just suck (or sucketh, for all of the Shakespeareans)

We did some running, rolling around in super dewy grass (felt bad ass at first, then it felt like you were just getting your clothes dirty on purpose), alternating lunges, mountain climbers, side lunges, jumping jacks (f this), running a whole bunch more, AND then a game.

English Bulldog

Basically red rover, monkey in the middle and tag mixed together. It was fun, I was sweating, I wore an orange shirt, I made an easy target.

Then done-zo class was over, awesome instructor, and of to shower and work

The came the little people who live in my thighs, the best sandwich ever, and that sweet angel voice.

The people who live in my thighs

If you know where I live, it’s up a huge hill. Spring Hill. Serious, decline going down (winter was interesting, lots of “life flashing before your eyes” moments) and serious incline going up (coming home from work in heels is like saying “I would love to eat some concrete today!”). Anyway, as I was shuffling down, guess what passes….my bus! So as I would normally do, I sprint, but this time it was different. I got to know the people in my thighs. These gregarious groups of little people live, love and laugh in my thighs but recently with all of the activity I have been doing, there has been a strain in our relationship. Today they showed me how upset they were. First of all they are made of fire and decided to clamp themselves around each of my muscles. Second they also each weigh 20 pounds each. It was like slow motion running with fire in my thighs. I decided to not sprint towards the bus anymore.

The best sandwich ever

I can’t seem to function without coffee in the morning, especially now with all of this fitness going on. I decided to stop at the Dunkin Donuts to get a coffee and said what the hey, how about a bagel sandwich too. Clearly my sandwich maker had a case of the Mondays (I know its Tuesday). She gave me a ham, egg and cheese on a wheat bagel with a nice big helping of Attitude. Listen, I'm tired, I don’t need your drama, tell you manager you need to be on cashier or something if you hate the sandwich station, OK? This sandwich looked sad…but it was the best thing I have ever eaten.

The angelic voice

I was annoyed as I was waiting for my sandwich, but then out of nowhere I heard the most soothing angelic voice. I now understood. I relaxed, took my sandwich and headed out the door. I love Justin Bieber.

Pain is starting to set in

It took all day, but the soreness is starting to kick in...everywhere. I took a fat ibuprofen that I am sure will not do anything, but it was worth a try.

I made sure to eat a decent dinner tonight and picked up food to eat in the morning to keep my blood sugar at a normal level. Hopefully, this will help a bit with the dizziness.


I want to try to be asleep by 9:30...I don't see that happening.


I have severe anxiety about the public humiliation I will once again endure. I had dreams last night about what bootcamp would be like. In one dream, they had us just sitting in a classroom talking about working out, it was quite lovely. Now that I know what bootcamp is really about, I assume my dreams tonight will feature new forms of torture the trainer have in store for us. Maybe I will have a dream about actually passing out, I can see the ambulance lights already...

I am trying to tell myself to treat bootcamp like a sick experiment and instead of being embarrassed about sucking, I should just embrace it. Instead of keeping the puke down and saving it for when I get home, I should just vomit all over myself in front of all those assholes.

6 hours after bootcamp

I would pay someone serious cash to kill me right now.

bootcamp is not a camp for boots

Day 1 (all you are getting is a stream of consciousness)

i woke up at 5am on the dot. i must have had a bad dream because i had no shirt on.

i am not ready for bootcamp. i hate working out in the morning.

i got ready really fast and waited like a stalker outside of janine's house. she looks at me and laughs, this was a bad idea.

my car is hot. i hate my car right now.

we get to the park, park the car and wait. we are on the wrong side of the park.

we start walking over and a nice lady tells us to follow her. i should be grateful at her politeness and help. i hate her becasue she has done this already, she will probably run faster than me. grrrr.

ok, solid group of people. everyone looks sporty. not a lot of chatting. i have my hood on, i look like the grim reaper. i check in.

instructer says run....i hate running. i leave janine behind. i need to keep the momentum, i soon lose that momentum and one after another the runners pass me. i am sweating.

we then do a fitness test. pushups, situps, high knees. my least favorite excercises. i do everything half ass. i know im doing it half ass. i feel like this will come back to bite me in the future. there is some sort of gravel on this astro turf. its stuck to me like little poos.

heart rate is up, we start doing drills. janine is sitting this one out. i am jealous. i wish i was sleeping. i think about my new beach body.

i realize i am annoyed by all of these people.

i was smoking cigarettes this weekend. it feels like i am coughing each one of them up. i am disturbed at this mental image.

everyone runs every where. run for a drink, run and get in a circle. i have issues with authority.

i decide im going to do the math when i get to work and see if this is really worth my money. i get over it and try to think positive....beach body....beach body....

this gravel crap is annoying. i have a hard time staying in the plank position. my feet begin to slip.

I am surprised at all the energy i have. this soon goes away. sorry, dude-on-the-train-whose-shoulder-I-slept-on. i now have heartburn.

Day 1-So, I decided that being in shape may not be that important to me after all.

I barely made it through the first day. There were about 20 people in the class and everyone except Ev and I had done it before. Long story short, I was like the fat kid in gym class. With asthma. And a broken leg. I had to sit out of one of the drills because I was seconds away from passing out. I believe a few things contributed to this… pain from Endometriosis, residual effects from having surgery a few months ago, the new medication I am on, this being the first type of aerobic activity I have done since pre surgery, not eating anything this morning and most importantly that fact that I am lazy and I am completely out of shape. After I survived the near black out, I joined back in and did what I could, went home and threw up.

Evelyn, on the other hand, was a total rock star. You are my inspiration, the wind beneath my wings, my everything, my ride or die bitch.

Grades for the day:

Evelyn:

A- for effort

A for performance

Janine:

C- for effort

F+ for performance

10 hours until bootcamp

Evelyn and I have been friends for a couple of years now. Over the past two years we have had a ridiculous amount of fun. We have made a few good choices, but normally, we make some pretty shitty (amazing) choices, most I can not discuss on the Internet. Joining bootcamp was my brilliant idea. Evelyn, I apologize now for the next four weeks. Please don't hate me.

My body is made up of small bones and fat and about .001% muscle content. I am sore for two days after folding laundry. (I don't fold laundry, I know I am not fooling anyone) Okay, for real though, my muscles are sore for days after playing drinking games.

The thought alone of waking up at 5:30am is scaring me.

I.am.going.to.die.